The "If Only's"

"If Only's" points us to the places of our powerlessness to change the past and the need for grace and acceptance.  And just maybe, we will discover a future even better than we thought was possible. 

Music by Scott Holmes - A Wee Tipple 
Non Copyright Music

Transcript

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I'm not going to, but I just want to end things. Her text came through, and I knew she wasn't exaggerating. She was usually slow to reach out. We spoke, and when I asked if I could come give her a hug, her voice trembled, and said with some surprise, If you want to. Oh, I want to, I reassured her. Later after traveling some distance, we sat in a park. She turned to me, eyes full of tears, her heart wild with grief. Several recent events had broken her heart open and led her to share a childhood full of abuse and neglect. Things could have been so good. I could have done so well, she said, as a tear streamed down her face. I should have finished school by now. And the grief of what she might have been, had she gotten what she needed, shook her young body. If only they would have been better people, and then began to tell a story in the colors of black and blue and red hot rage, in colors of gray muted voices, and the pure black betrayal of eyes and backs turned, trying to not see what was right in front of them. A helpless little girl needing protection. I didn't ask for this kind of life, she sobbed. No, no, you didn't, I replied. She was huddled over, knees pulled tight against her chest, and then began beating herself with words. I was such a bad kid. If only I wouldn't have been a bad kid, then maybe none of this would have happened. There is a journey that lies ahead for this beautiful young woman, and my prayer is that she will be able to see herself in little girls who cross her path and come to understand that she too was just a girl needing loved, and that love, real love, will heal her if only, and help her discover a future that was not destroyed by others. I was thinking how sometimes, when the grief of what was lost, of what could have been is too great to feel, too much to bear, we avoid it by turning on ourselves, by beating ourselves with the if only's. If only I would have done better, responded better, worked harder, listened more, spoke up more, walked away sooner, stayed a little longer, if only coming to terms with the if only's breaks us open like nothing else. If only speak to our powerlessness to go back, to change outcomes, especially when living with the devastating impacts of another's actions or inaction, and also having to live with the impact of our own. If only they would have been different, if only I would have been different, if only. I found that the if only's point to the very places of our need, of our powerlessness, and that in that place lies our need for grace, grace for what we didn't know, for what they didn't know, and even grace for having known, and not done anything about it. And also grace to allow the grief of these things to soften me, not harden. On my list of favorites, the song Go Easy on Me by Adele speaks so well to this experience. I simply cannot listen to it without feeling, without allowing the deep work of acceptance to do its thing. It calls to me to not only go easy on others, but actually, much more importantly right now, to go easy on myself, to remember context. There are reasons why I didn't get it right, for why I thought that way, believed that way, acted that way, made that decision, or didn't make that decision. But the point is not to get it right anyway. It's to be real, to keep my heart open no matter what, real about who I am, about my power and my powerlessness, about what hurts and what strengthens without lashing out. Real with heart wide open, even in the face of rejection. God, please help me stay real.