Transformation & its Role in Parenting, Leadership & Spirituality

Our approach in life is learned. When life falls apart, we have an opportunity for deep change.  The impact of that deep change filters into every arena in our society including homes, workplaces and spiritual communities. Then anything is possible.

Music by Scott Holmes - A Wee Tipple 
Non Copyright Music

Transcript

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How is it that two people can sing the same song and the listener has a completely different experience? Why does one parent's relationship with their child hold a certain distance while another parent-child's relationship is described as warm and close? Or what about two leaders who lead very different teams? The engagement from one person lands deeply, impactfully. From the other, the interaction falls away into thin air. The impact of one stays while the other is forgotten. A conversation with one person can leave us with a sense of relief that it's over or an underlying emptiness as we walk away, while another conversation leaves us feeling deeply comforted and inspired. The difference is that what fuels one does not fuel the other. We are not just simple human robotic bodies walking around, completing the tasks that need to be done in life. All of us have adopted a way of operating. We hold a certain set of assumptions, a way of seeing and walking around in the world. And most of the time, we don't even realize it. But this is what drives our approach, the medium through which we show up in the world and we do anything like leading teams and raising children or integrating spiritual practices. And what drives us, our assumptions and how we see the world, has everything to do with outcomes. Just because I am supervising a group of people doesn't guarantee I will have an effective team, or if I'm a parent, that my children will grow up capable of healthy relationships. Participating in a spiritual community does not automatically mean that I am teaching or integrating true spirituality. Held assumptions, how we see and respond, this influences approach. That approach largely determines environment. And that environment impacts learning. And what is learned leads to specific outcomes. For example, as parents, we typically either copy and paste the approach we were raised with, or we parent out of a reaction to how we were raised. However, we parented, our adult children will have learned and adopted a certain set of beliefs about the world and about themselves. They may have learned that making mistakes is dangerous, so they avoid taking risks. Or they may have learned that making mistakes is important to learning, and that mom or dad do not get angry at the mistakes, but applaud them for their efforts and help them get back up and try something different. Maybe they learn to hide their strength and watering down what they're good at so as to not outshine someone else. Or they may have learned that asking questions is considered back talk. So what do they do? They simply follow. They believe their role is to do what they are told, that it's safer just to do what they're told, and that they are not to create or introduce new ideas. So we have secure, resilient, deeply authentic adults, or we create insecure, avoidant, and forceful adults. These are just some of the possible outcomes to what was learned. But whatever the outcome is, whatever was learned, these are the very adults that are going into workplaces and leading teams. These are the adults who are becoming parents. And these are the leaders who teach spirituality and the participants who engage in a spiritual community. What we learned and the approach we adopted creates a lens, a way we understand and then practice spirituality. And the practice of that understanding can either produce real authentic faith or a dutiful rule follower who won't be able to see the reason for the rule or when the rules no longer apply. So faith and trust, signs of an authentic expression of a vibrant inner life, become just simple expected signs of maturity that one has to live up to to look good. In the home or workplace, what happens when I, my team or a project or one of my children fall short of expectations? Or what happens when life events fall outside of how I believe they should be? How I see, what fuels my approach will impact my interpretation of these events and my response. So the question is: when are we most likely to question what we believe? When are we most likely to question why do we do what we do? Why do I engage like that? Why do I interact with people in this way? When are we most likely to consider how maybe needing to prove ourselves might impact how we relate to others or impact how we lead? I found that life falling apart breaks us open. We discover that our belief system, how we were doing life, didn't work, or at least didn't lead to the outcome that we thought we would get. And it pushes us. The grief, the anger, the doubt, the disorientation become opportunities where we question and reconsider everything. If we allow the process of transformation to do its work without forcing it, without avoiding it, and hopefully not alone, over time we begin to operate differently. We might see why we do what we do. We may become more direct without the former harshness we might have spoken with. Imagine how that, one change, would impact how a leader leads or how a parent parents. We may become more open to taking risks. We might be more willing to learn and making the mistakes that often go with learning. Can you imagine what we could discover? And can you imagine how that might impact the way we lead teams? We might be more patient with process. What would the potential impact on a faith journey be when heart-opening discovery and process is prioritized over rigid role following? What kind of people would we be? Or what if we suddenly understand that we have nothing to prove? Something about life falling apart answered some questions for us, helped us go back and figure out why we go through life needing to prove something, and then the pressure that we add to ourselves and to other people? Imagine how a parent can show up when his or her image is not dependent on their child's behavior or their choices, or if their fear of what might happen no longer controls the way they communicate or respond? What happens when spiritual truths are no longer used as a measuring stick for worth or value? Or what about the leader whose focus is no longer on proving their worth or their capability, but on building people. After enduring the brutal process of transformation, we might not scare as easily when things get hard or messy. We may be able to endure more, take a stand when needed, to make courageous choices even when a positive outcome isn't guaranteed. Deep change can occur in a person. And how we might start showing up changes. We might be more present. We might be more fearless and patient, more intuitive, more responsive, more insightful, more caring, more adaptable. The possibilities are endless. And all of those possibilities, they impact the outcomes in our homes, in our workplaces, and the spiritual communities we choose to be a part of. And that is how change happens. It's where change starts. Transformation is by no means easy. And quite frankly, I don't know that many people would choose it, especially since it becomes at such a high price. But when we see lives being changed, first our own and then those that we engage with, it makes it worth it.