Alexander & Nicoli

One family. Two brothers. And two different approaches in need of change.  

Music by Scott Holmes - A Wee Tipple 
Non Copyright Music

Transcript

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In the Demos family, conflict took center stage, often infusing family get-togethers with the energy of the WWF. It was loud and rambunctious, family members squaring off, demeaning each other's perspectives and hurling their opinions. One had to learn how to bulldoze their way through a discussion if one wanted a chance at making a point. And there were always winners and losers. The winner held a tight grip on their perspective, refusing to make any room for another. It was messy, full of energy, and ever-changing family dynamics. No two family members ever stayed on the same page. One week they could be having a nice dinner together, and the very next, fiercely exchanging insults. Alexander learned how to hold his own, pushing past whoever stood in his way. He learned winning meant refusing to back down, that a no-holds-barred approach in conflict gained some type of approval, some type of respect, albeit small and short-lived. He also learned that in an instant, family will turn on one of its own. And the only person who truly had his back was himself. This hardness, this refusal to back down, served him well as he climbed the corporate ladder. He was able to fend for himself and established a name and a reputation for not giving up, for always winning. However, when he was promoted into a leadership role, his team struggled. Some pushed back while others just kept their head down. Projects were a mess, and meetings, well, they were just terrible. When Alexander became a father, he focused on building toughness, grit, and argued his point until his children either shut down or exploded. After all, this was normal. This was how one found out what you were made of. He pushed them to win whatever they did, lecturing them when they lost or did not meet expectations. As a participant in his spiritual community, Alexander's all or nothing winners and losers approach impacted both his interpretation and integration of spiritual practices. He bulldozed his way through, forceful in his approach, both with himself and those around him. Overall, he felt himself to be successful. No one could force him to back down. No one could silence what he had to say. This was success, right? Sure, people were angry with him at times, but that was simply because they were weak, unable to hold their own. And the distance between him and his children? Well, that was only because they weren't tough enough. Yet, lucky for them, at least he had their backs. Nikolai, his brother, however, adopted an entirely different approach. Instead of seeing conflict as an opportunity to prove himself, Nikolai saw it as a red flag, signaling incoming humiliation. At the slightest hint he left the room, offering some excuse of needing to leave. At home, at work, and in his community, he rarely disagreed with anyone, preferring to keep the peace. There was no way he could afford to think outside of the box or offer what he really thought. That could get you humiliated. No thank you. He was great at hanging out with anyone, exchanging stories and jokes, and if someone asked him for a favor, he could always be counted on to say yes, no matter what. People pleasing eliminated conflict and the potential for humiliation. At home he went out of his way to keep his wife happy, usually giving in and making sure to complete the honey to-do list, and if not, he simply hid it away. Out of sight, out of mind, right? When his children were in conflict with their peers, a teacher or anyone in their community, he always advised them to not make things into a big deal, to hold their tongues. After all, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. He justified his avoidance of conflict by quoting lines such as, turning the other cheek and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Forgiveness was used as a glaze, covering up a multitude of wrongs. Thank goodness, he wouldn't know what to do if he had to actually talk about what bothered him or acknowledge his growing resentment. Overall, Nikolai saw himself as successful. One might say he had a good life, a peaceful life, devoid of any of the conflict he grew up in, which was a good thing, right? For both Alexander and Nikolai, their approach in life is fueled by a set of assumptions around conflict and how they define success. While each has strengths in their approach, they are also greatly limited in their ability for effective leadership, for authentic connection and parenting. How would they show up differently if they understood conflict as an opportunity to understand the other better and to potentially improve a relationship? What if it was an opportunity to get to know your children better, your team better? But their experience has taught them this would be risking humiliation, risking loss of approval. What would change in their approach if they believed conflict was not about proving a point, but an exchange of ideas, thoughts, and perspective? That holding your own and learning to push through opposition certainly are told needed in life, but so is listening and supporting and showing up and having each other's back. This is where the hellish process of transformation has a part to play. Over time, as we grieve, as we let go, as we recognize we really are not in control, we become more open and begin to reconsider our approach to life. And the potential for impact is endless. We might move from flight and fight to steady, open engagement. We may risk humiliation and choose to show up as ourselves. We may move from pushing an opinion to listening for understanding, or move from avoidance to more honesty and more directness, and we begin to show up differently. This is how a deeply internal process impacts every part of our external lives. And this process is a little easier, a little more comforting if at least one person who has walked through it too now walks beside us as we grieve, get angry, doubt goodness, and feel lost for a while. I believe someone said we change through either experiencing great love or great suffering. May it be the first, but if not, then may it be through both.