Helpfulness or GraveTending?

Messages sent, form identities. Identities drive choices then dictate a life. But sometimes, the wrecking of those identities and the lives built around them is deep goodness saving us from the alternative. 

Music by Scott Holmes - A Wee Tipple 
Non Copyright Music

Transcript

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The lyrics to the song Made for More, sung by Josh Baldwin and Jen Johnson, set me to the floor when first hearing them. I wasn't made to be tending a grave. I was called by name, born and raised back to life again. I was made for more. I have a future, and it's worth the living. A mixture of grief and permission to live life more fully still washes over me every time I hear them. I knew immediately when I first heard the song that I had been tending to graves for so many years. Of course, I hadn't recognized what I was tending to. I just thought I was tending to people and doing what I needed to do in the world, being helpful and supportive and understanding. But I've discovered there's a real downside to being helpful. The downside is when you grow up believing it's your duty to make everyone happy, when you learn to lay aside the things that make you come alive to your own purpose and carry the responsibility of the lives of others. At a very young age, this weight was quite heavy, especially when those who had the power for bringing needed change did nothing. And so, in the absence of clear direction and dependable presence, I stepped into a role that wasn't meant for me at such a young age. I became helpful, responsible, emotionally aware of the needs of others. I learned early on I seemed to be good at helping, at working hard and making things easier for others. And I did care so very much about what others were going through. Their pain was obvious to me, and it hurt deeply. I wanted so much to ease things for them. The unraveling of what I believed was the sum total of who I was and what I was allowed to be in the world. The undoing of those beliefs has been at the heart of my journey in the past decade or so. For most of us, there are tricky messages around the things we are good at, messages wrapped around the great qualities that help form our identities at a young age. Whether or not people mean to send those messages, they plant themselves deep within our hearts, impacting the way we perceive the world and form beliefs around what is expected of us, and then greatly influencing our choices and dictating our course in life. These beliefs tangle around the very best qualities about us, around the gifts we bring into the world and twist us up. And the messages I received, the beliefs I adopted around helpfulness, had me twisted up for years. Those messages or beliefs went something like this. Other people and what they need are more important than me. I must sacrifice my longings for what others want. It's the kind thing to do. Any dream of my own must be put on hold. I must wait for my turn, if my turn ever comes. Movement towards what I want, towards what I need is betrayal. I must stay and wait until everyone around me is okay. And everyone being okay? Well, that never happens. What those messages did not teach me, what was missing was to take stock of what I needed, of what I was in the world, and in response to my needs, evaluate the character and abilities of those I walk alongside of, or better yet, who choose to walk alongside of me, to assess them for vision, for risk taking, tolerance for failure, and continuing to show up, for their ability to pivot and adapt, responding with humor and optimism, and seizing opportunity when it presented itself. The process of undoing these beliefs and learning to assess those who walk beside me has wrecked me in many ways. But I've come to see there are some things in life that really do need a good wrecking. It's painful, brutal, and heartbreaking, but the alternative would have been so much worse. I've come to see that being one who sees and listens and offers connection to others is deeply fulfilling, but acknowledging my own need for the same is just as important. To see beyond someone's dutiful life and recognize a heart that is broken and hurting holds the potential for powerful change. But awareness of the places in my own heart that are also broken is just as powerful and holds potential for deep connection. Helpfulness and tending to the hearts of others is a great quality to offer the world, but not at the expense of our own hearts, not at the expense of our own callings. And that helpfulness really is not the same thing as tending to graves, whatever that is. And it's heartbreaking to move on, to come to terms with the fact that whatever grave I am standing beside is beyond my ability to bring back to life, to fully let go of what I hoped would live again. So here's to a song that speaks straight to the undoing of beliefs that restricted me from a life that is meant to be fully lived, that reminds me that I am made for so much more, and speaks to what I sense deep within and hope that it's actually true. There is a future that's worth the living.