Parenting: It Begins With Self Assessment

Solutions to our teenager's negative behaviors often start with assessing our own.  

Music by Scott Holmes - A Wee Tipple 
Non Copyright Music 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

When I first begin coaching parents, conflict in the household is usually at an all-time high. By the time I arrive on the scene, trust and mutual respect has been lost by all parties involved, if it was ever there in the first place. Parents are usually highly frustrated with any manner of things and don't understand why they can't get through to their kid about things like school truancy, noncompliance with house rules, like curfew, chores, social media and friends. They are angry with their teen's negative behaviors, such as cursing and yelling. Physical aggression is sometimes involved. Or there's just all around non-engagement. Their teenager rarely leaves their room and has no interest in getting a job. What parents typically try to use to get through essentially means some form of forceful engagement. And the typical components of forceful engagement involve some mix of yelling, name calling, ridicule, lecturing, disgust, and then sometimes sudden cold dismissal. Their focus is primarily on the fact that their teenager isn't doing what they're being told, and the problem to be solved is the teenager. The teenager, on the other hand, is done, done with the yelling, the name calling, and lecturing, and has learned to pay it back in the same manner, or has completely shut down, refusing to engage in any way. What we parents miss is that by the time our kids are teenagers, the pattern of our engagement, or lack thereof, has formed and solidified a certain type of relationship. The die has been set, so to speak. And unless we are open to making significant changes in the way we engage, there is little that can be done to change the current nature of the relationship that has been built. What would be most helpful is for us as parents to investigate our own patterns of behaviors. After all, our teenagers did not just pull out their disrespectful ways of engaging out of a hat. But unfortunately, most of us are not willing to assess ourselves, to consider that perhaps our patterns of engagement have caused the negative relationship we currently have with our kids. Even though we are at least 50% of the interaction, we blame 100% of that interaction on the child. And so the conflict in the household continues. The answer to the conflict is not just a forced compliance. That option passed by long ago, nor is it a refusal to engage and toss them aside. Our teens know what to expect or not expect from us. And those expectations formed from our repeated patterns of engagement now underlie every single interaction between ourselves and our children. The answer begins with self-assessment, asking ourselves some really honest questions. Is how I parent working? Are we getting through? And if not, the answer is usually not because our lovely teenager is just too stubborn. Taking a good, honest look at how we engage, at our methods for getting through, is a hard turn to make for any parent. Because that hard turn requires looking into the mirror. And that mirror is that non-compliant, unruly, disrespectful kid in front of us. Ouch. When noticing my son or daughter is angry, that might be an indicator that some line was crossed, or a message was communicated to them and it did not land well. Asking questions helps clarify what occurred. Was how I engaged forceful, harsh, or dismissive? How loudly am I communicating my frustration? How close am I to their face? What words am I using when addressing my son or daughter? And if I decide to practice some courage, I may want to try asking my son or daughter some version of, what's it like having me as your mom or dad? What are the hardest parts about having me as a parent? And what are the best? If you could change one thing about the way I engage with you, what would it be? And if I choose to ask these questions, then I need to remember not to react to how they answer. We want the truth, right? The truth about how they really experience us and what we could do to change. This truth is a gift. The alternative to them letting us know is not knowing and more of the same. And we already know that isn't working. Let them tell us the truth about how they see us, how they experience us, without pointing out their own faults. We may just learn something.