Made for More than Usefulness

There's a difference between being used for what we can do and being valued for who we are. 

One leaves us feeling empty.  The other leaves us feeling fully alive. 

Music by Scott Holmes - A Wee Tipple 
Non Copyright Music 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

It's been a while since I've had a day like today. I slept in, went to the pool, washed my clothes, and completed several tasks around the house. I even reorganized my car, restocking with items usually needed when driving miles upon miles each week. I finished some work and then spent the rest of the day outside, alternating between sitting at my stump and laying on a blanket in the grass, reading a book and falling asleep. I was going to bake bread today but decided to put it on hold. I've learned to prioritize nothing but myself whenever I get the opportunity. And so I did very little today, almost nothing. Which got me to thinking about usefulness and how much that was a part of how I grew up. Being useful allowed me to have a place at the table, gained me acceptance and approval. So what did it mean to be useful? Usefulness usually involved hard work, like helping to feed over 200 calves in the barn before and after school, starting when I was six. It meant helping to cook and bake and clean and putting away large amounts of frozen and canned goods each year. Usefulness, though, was also defined as a type of attitude, such as having no attitude at all. Being submissive, obedient, making sure to never make waves was considered quite useful. Taking responsibility for what was not mine, and trying not to need too much from those around me. Being quiet even when who was addressing me wasn't, and keeping my mouth shut about things my heart knew, because no one could handle what I knew or didn't want to. But at some point I wore out my usefulness, but that's a whole other story. I guess today I was thinking about how what is seen as useful depends on who is defining it. I mean, as a kid, it's really cool to feel like you can come through for your friends and family, but when people only see you for what you can do for them and not for who you are, it leaves you feeling used, empty, and invisible. I do remember the first time someone ever got upset over me being too useful. That was a new experience. I still remember how I was feeling when completing a task. I was wrestling inside with how violating it felt, and confused because it involved a benign task, ironing. But I felt deeply humiliated as I knelt on the floor. When I had been asked to help out with this task, I was told someone else would be helping, but I was left alone that day in a room, kneeling on the floor and ironing. I had been asked to do something no one else wanted to do, and I kept telling myself it was okay, that I would just get it done and be done with it. But the whole thing deeply hurt, and then, upon hearing what had been asked of me, someone in charge expressed being upset, and I wept. Not in front of anyone, of course, but the anger of the other somehow validated the humiliation I felt. Since when was anyone ever upset about me being useful or being used? I rarely had experienced my presence, and doing the things I really enjoyed considered enough. No act of service involved, just me being me. Experiences like this pushed me deeper into the journey I had already begun to walk, looking at what I learned my role was in the world, and slowly realizing I was made for more. I know I'm not the only one who, at some point in life, begins to see through a different lens, who, in deeply personal ways, learns that one's value is not always determined by what we do, but maybe more by who we really are, and that who we really are is actually useful in ways that do not leave us feeling used, invisible, and empty, but in feeling enjoyed, seen, our life meaningful and fully alive.